Nightmares

I've been having them. Well, one recurring one. Every time I try to get some sleep I'm woken up by them. I've only gotten about three hours of sleep these past few days because of them. Between Stormy and the lack of sleep, I might just lose my mind. Hmph.

To understand the nightmares, I'll have to give you all a bit of background. I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you all, and for that I am sorry. I didn't just stumble into this. I didn't find some blogs and just decide to do what I can to help out. That isn't how it went down. I'm not that good of a person. Hell, if that were the case, I probably wouldn't have joined the rest of you at all. Just told myself that it was all an elaborate game. buried my head in the sand. Lived the rest of my life in peace. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now. I probably should have been more honest from the beginning. Better late than never I suppose.

A little over two and a half years ago (it'll be three in July) a friend of mine killed herself. I didn't understand why at the time. By all accounts she was a happy kid, if a bit odd. She hated forests, always looking over her shoulder. Oddest of all, she wouldn't let anyone look at her notebooks. Not even when I was helping her study for a test. She would always keep me from seeing what she had written. I just figured she had stories written there or something. I do the same thing, not let anyone read what I've written until I'm sure it's finished. Well, not so much anymore, but when I was her age. She was fourteen when she died. Just a kid. Fuck this is hard to talk about.

I did catch a glimpse of her notebook once. It looked fairly normal, history notes with assorted doodles. You know how it is, and I'm sure you can tell where I'm going with this. One of the doodles was an operator symbol. I didn't know it at the time. It seemed insignificant. I forgot about it.

Anyway, she didn't leave a note. No one knew why she did it. It ate at me. I researched it as best I could. Any reason why she might have done it. Of course, I wasn't very close with her family. It wasn't like I could just ask her family to let me examine her room for clues. I looked at her myspace, asked her closest friends, read psychological journals on the subject. I came up with interesting theories, but no definite answers. The only one who could tell me for sure had died.

Then I found Marble Hornets five months ago. I don't know if it's real or not, but it brought back memories. For instance, the operator symbol I mentioned earlier. It took me a while to connect the two, but when I did I started to look into these blogs. All the pieces were falling into place. The fear of trees, the sleeplessness, the paranoia. It made sense. That's when I made this blog. I said it was to help. So that there would be no more Amelias.

But that was a lie. Well, not exactly. I do want to help. I do want to keep anyone else from ending up like Amelia. But mostly I want revenge. I want to make the monster that drove a fourteen year old girl to suicide suffer for what he did. I want Him to pay. Any lives saved in the process will just be a nice bonus. If Robert is right killing Him will definitely end it. This has to end.

Anyway, now that you all know about Amelia you'll understand the nightmares. I've had a similar nightmare since the funeral. I walk into the funeral house, it's empty aside from her casket. As I approach it to pay my final respects, she wakes up. They paint the corpses you know? So it looks like they're just sleeping. I still see it sometimes, when I close my eyes. Amelia sleeping in that box. I look at her for a moment, tell her that I'm sorry. Then she wakes up and tells me that I'm next. Then the funeral home catches fire, the doors are locked and for some reason I can't smash the windows. I die in that fire.

Well, as of late there have been a few augmentations to that nightmare. Firstly, instead of the uneasy silence there's that fucking tapping noise. I don't look, but I know He's standing outside the window. Watching me. Amelia wakes up, and tells me that I should have left it alone. That she kept silent about it to keep anyone else from ending up like her. Then she tells me that I have a choice to make. To end it all like she did, or to be killed by Him and his minions. "Hunted down and killed like an animal" was her exact phrasing I believe. Then the fire, and then I wake up.

Every time.

I wish there were some way I could have helped her. There's nothing I could have done. Even now, there's nothing I can do. Is there? Nothing except for me to keep going. Keep running. Keep fighting. We'll end this. I promise you, Amelia.